As parents, sometimes we forget just how great an impact we make in our children’s lives. It’s rarely what you say, but rather what you do that makes a lasting impression on your offspring. The truth, though, is that no matter what we do, our children still love us. It seems as though they are pre-wired to believe that we are the smartest, most beautiful, and amazing person that exists. So it would seem fair that we make the feel the same in return!

So how is that done exactly? By nurturing the whole child!  Eye contact, touching, and focused attention are what builds a child's self-esteem. Effective parenting involves making sure that children feel loved and understood. These are fundamentals to a happy, well-adjusted child. In order to achieve this, we have to spend quality time with our kids. Let’s face it, in today’s economic crisis, many of us are working long hours just to make ends meet. Although the quantity of time may diminish, the quality can remain the same... and even increase. Since we constantly have to multi-task, why not incorporate our kids in our day-to-day activities? Use this time to talk to them and understand their inner thoughts. Kids are more introspective than what adults think! Here are some suggestions of some activities you can do with your children:

1. Make food shopping a learning experience. Instead of stopping by the grocery before picking up the kids, plan to occasionally get them first.

2. Involve young children in food preparation. Even toddlers can set the table and measure simple ingredients. Do preschoolers know food terms like stir, beat, sift, and pour?

3. Make laundry and housekeeping a task that involves the whole family.

4. Don’t just sit them in front of the TV. Watch television with your children, and talk with them about the show. Ask them, "What happen first, next, and last? What was your favorite part? Did you like the way the story ended? Could we have a different ending?" Also have them relate the show to their personal experiences.

5 Have dinner together as a family. You can learn a lot about your child during meal times. Model to them proper communication skills like listening, and reflection.

Just try it for a few days!  You may find that it really works, and that your day does not seem as hectic and disjointed.  Let us know how it works!!!!!!!!!!!



Happy Parenting,
Gaetane Borders, MA, ABD

Sexual abuse is a pervasive issue across the nation.  One in four girls report being sexually molested before the age of eighteen, and one in six boys report the same.  Therefore, the reality is that more than 25% of you who are reading this article have been sexually abused.  Another reality is that only a small percentage of you disclosed this to your parents.  So why don't children tell?  One would think that they would run, yell and scream to their parents if someone had touched them inappropriately.  However, this is generally not the case.  Here's why...

Most pedophiles are known to their victims, and are very slick and manipulative in their approach.  They "groom" the child into thinking that they are trustworthy, and gradually involve children in inappropriate acts.  Later they often threaten to harm the child or their family members if they do disclose.  Victimized children often won't tell because they are afraid that they will not be believed, or feel guilty that they may have, in some way, been responsible for the abuse.  Now, all of this is compounded with the fact that more often than not, it is a parent who is committing the abuse.  In this case, a child may not want to tattle.

So what can you do as a parent?  Be attuned to any changes in your child's behavior because this will tell you a lot!  Young children will often regress by wetting the bed, sucking their fingers, or not eating.  Elementary school age kids often demonstrate excessive fear of certain people, masturbate excessively, have nightmares, or will withdraw from people.  In the teen years, kids may become promiscuous, experiment with drugs, be depressed, and may also have suicidal thoughts.  You should be concerned if you see any of these behaviors, and begin asking questions.

If your son or daughter tells you that they have been abused, BELIEVE THEM!  It is extremely rare for a child to lie about this.  Keep in mind that the way that you react to this will help determine how your child will heal.  Tell them that you are proud that they had the courage to tell you, and that it was not their fault.  They really do need to hear this!  In addition, make sure that they receive counseling to address their trauma because it will have life long ramifications if not treated. 

If you were abused, and are finding it difficult to find inner peace... just remember that you do not have to let your trauma define who you are.  Despite what happened to you, it is possible to live and love without pain.  Your healing process may be difficult, but happiness is attainable.

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane F. Borders, M.A., A.B.D

Would you put an ad in the newspaper encouraging strangers to visit your home at any time of the day and night?  Would you leave your front door and windows wide open while you went on a week long vacation out of town?  They answer is, most undoubtedly, no.  The reason being is that this would be unsafe.  However, did you know that by allowing your child or adolescent to surf the internet unsupervised is equally unsafe? 

One in four US teen girls reported that they met strangers off the Internet. One in seven boys admitted they did as well. While most of these “Internet friends” turn out to be another teen or preteen, that’s not always the case. Unfortunately, children are now dying at the hands of Internet child molesters. Child predators have existed for ages. What has changed is that they are no longer confined to parks and playgrounds. Internet predators have become such a threat that police have dedicated entire departments to catching them.  These officials frequent chat rooms and try to attract predators by pretending to be teenage girls or other types that are attractive to predators, then arresting them.

One of the most important things you should teach your children is that the Internet is not a toy. Oftentimes children have a false sense of security on the Internet because it seems anonymous and harmless.  However, the reality is that having the internet theoretically allows millions of strangers into your home.  Many of these individuals are pedophiles who await naïve adolescents in order to begin “courting’ them in chat rooms, and the very popular social networks.  These skilled predators will bait children into giving them personal information such as what school they attend or any other identifying information.  Often, these predators will masquerade as children themselves in order to gain trust.  Your child may think that they are talking to a peer, when in fact they are not.

It is critically important that In addition to education, you must put in place parental controls and monitoring tools to help protect your child.  

Parents are encouraged to do the following:

• Restrict the hours that kids can spend online. As a general rule, the later at night one is on line, the more suspect the activity that occurs.
• Ask your child what they are doing online. Sit down with them from time to time to see what they are doing.
• Point out stories in the newspaper about cyber predators.
• Make sure your child does not give out information over the Internet that would lead a person to find your child in real life.
• Do not allow your child to participate in chat rooms.
• If your child has a website or blog, monitor it daily.
• Keep computers in communal spaces in your home.  This allows for easy monitoring.
• Place website blocking software on your computers.

Internet predators are a real danger to anyone who has a child and a computer.  Their ability to be anonymous makes them a viable threat. Police and other advocate groups are going to great lengths to stop and catch Internet predators, but you, too, can help.  Notify law enforcement of any suspicious online activity you may know of.   Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open between you and your child so that they will come to you if they are approached by someone on the internet. 

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane F. Borders, M.A., A.B.D.

Do you ever wonder why children seem to be miniature portraits of their parents?  Sometimes I laugh aloud when I watch my son walking because he has the exact same gait and swagger that my husband has.  The only problem is that my husband walks the way that he does because he has a bad back and knees from the wear and tear over the years.  So why then does our eight-year-old’s walk mirror his father’s?  Surely he doesn’t have pre-arthritic symptoms!  The answer is pretty clear…he has adopted his juvenile swagger due to the phenomenon known as modeling.

While there is no harm in a child copying his daddy’s walking pattern, this mimicking can pose a problem when it relates to emotional issues.  How we cope, how we express our emotions, and how we demonstrate love and admiration are all things that we pass on to our children.   Oftentimes I can tell what parents are like before meeting them just by the way their children act.  For example, kids who are unduly aggressive or who use profane language are usually in an environment where they see and hear such behaviors.  Sure, behavior and temperament do have a genetic component as well.  But remember that children learn largely by watching what we adults do and how we react.

A national study was done recently in which it reported that 1 out of 4 adults is clinically depressed.  Suicide is on the rise, particularly among African American men.  Other studies show that 1 out of 3 girls are molested before the age of 18, and 1 out of 5 boys report having been molested during this same time frame.  The emotional baggage that this sort of trauma creates is extensive, and without the needed therapy can have lasting debilitating effects.  Moreover, it can negatively impact future relationships and how one relates to others. 

It is so important to the success of our families that we, as adults, heal ourselves so that we can be fully functional, happy, and effective parents.  Our children are watching, learning, and imitating our behaviors, and your baggage can ultimately become their baggage.  If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms related to depression or anxiety, please consult with a counseling professional.  It will not only make a difference in your life, it will make a difference in your child’s life as well.

Happy Parenting,

Gaetane Borders, MA, ABD

The world's most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow this year when he emerged just after dawn from his home near Pittsburgh, Pa. For Groundhog’s Day. That supposedly meant that we would have 6 more weeks of winter this year.   Great news for some, but not so great news for me!

I don’t know how many of you saw the movie Groundhog’s Day, in which a weatherman (portrayed by Bill Murray) finds himself living the same day over and over again.  Imagine if you could relive a day over.  How would you make it different?

I thought about this as I was driving home from work. See…today was a very difficult day for me, as I learned that a child I knew had died.  As part of my school system’s crisis team, I immediately descended upon his school to counsel his classmates and teachers and help them with the range of emotions that they were feeling.  It made me think about how as parents we tend to presume that we will see our children each day after we drop them off at school.  We expect that the equilibrium that we experience will continue indefinitely.  However, all too sudden…things can change.  But, as we all know, nothing can be taken for granted.  We really have to make the effort and take the steps to be that parent each day.  Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect parent!  However, every parent can be a really, really…really GREAT parent! 

So with that in mind…if you could start the day over, would you have made the same choices?  Would you have said the things that you said to your child today?  Or perhaps there is something that you wish you had said but didn’t.   Whatever the scenario, I empower you to do all that you can to cherish every moment with your child.  Take time to really get to know them, and cultivate your relationship.  Make the time you spend with them a priority, and demonstrate to them that your love is unconditional. 

Luckily for me, I was able to say the things that I regretted not saying to my children this morning.  I must have said, “I love you!” 40 times in the past hour alone.  However, I made a vow to try harder to pretend that I would never be allowed another Groundhog Day to correct myself.  I challenge you to do the same!!!!J

Happy Parenting,

I recently met with a client who had come to me for counseling.  She stated that her husband encouraged her to come in because he had concerns about her emotional stability.  In listening to her describe her weekly routine, it became clear that this young woman spent all of her waking hours taking care of her two young children and husband.  She typically did not go to bed at night until three in the morning because she would do housework after her children had gone to bed. I asked her if she ever spent time with friends, or by herself out of the house.  She reflected momentarily, but eventually responded in a soft voice, “no.”  In fact, she was unable to share what her favorite pastime is.

Remembering who you are is something that all parents have to remember.  I have found, both personally and professionally, that women seem to have more difficulty with this concept.  Our personal goals, interests, and passions are frequently halted once we have children.  We immerse ourselves in being mommy, and taking care of all of those around us.  It is critically important that we nurture our children by being present emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  However, we simply have to remember to nurture ourselves as well.  Sometimes we feel guilty or selfish if we say that we need time apart from our children or spouse.  But guess what?  That individual time may very well help you maintain your sanity.  Whether its fifteen minutes a day, or two hours a week…make sure to take your me time.  Do the things you once enjoyed like painting, socializing, playing an instrument, and going to the movies or plays. This will help you to feel more fulfilled, and will ultimately help you to be an even better parent!

Happy Parenting,